It's pretty late, considering I have to be up at 6:30 for another 11.5 hour shift. I keep telling myself to think of the money... To be fair though, I don't know why I complain, I always seem to enjoy my shift when I'm working. I do get back with achy bits, but, by the time I've slept and gone back to work the next day it's like I can barely even feel it. It gets worse the more you think about it, but when you don't it's not so bad, and gotta think of all that well needed money...
But I am tired. And I am irritable. It's hard to tell if it's me being unreasonable or not when I snap at people... Shouldn't they be a little more understanding of what I'm going through? Considering they are seeing me live it. There are no shortages of reminders for the most prominent people in my life. I talk to my father and my boyfriend several times a day, they know what I'm doing, they know what I'm getting up to.
My agency are extremely unprofessional, that doesn't help my temper. My parents are, as always, insufferable. I sleep on a couch which I have to make and unmake every day. My father doesn't leave the room to let me sleep when I ask him to because he is too lazy and stubborn to even sort out an airbed I can use. There is still no room for any of my possessions, a month after moving in, they sit in bags in the middle of the living room floor. I have a room, with no bed, it doubles as a shed for unused bikes, a broken table and a large clothes rail full of never worn, never to be worn clothing belonging to my dad. This is after I have sifted through and removed drawers and wardrobes of his stuff. I just don't know if I'm being a spoilt brat or if my personal space and space for my belongings are things that I should be entitled to, but it was him who asked me to live her in the first place after all.
And that's a major issue for me now. I frequently think I must suffer from a false sense of entitlement. In many ways. I think I deserve better, I think other people should be better. I expect more. Almost always. And I will not settle for less. Is that me being spoilt? Is it me being unreasonable? Do I really set unrealistic boundaries? Or am I just too ambitious for the people around me?
I just don't know any more. I'm full of self doubt which is slowly eating away at my confidence. It's entirely down to perspective and I just don't know who's perspective I should gauge myself by. Am I so different from any other typical person? Am I not understanding enough of their problems? Do I not try and support them enough?
I think about the people who are 'supposed' to love me. They're the worst. I don't truly believe for one second they love me. How on Earth could they? They barely even know me. And that's entirely their fault. If you don't take it upon yourself to get to know the child you raised then that's your prerogative. But it's isn't only that. You can love someone who you don't fully know yet, I don't believe you can ever fully know someone anyway. It takes a lifetime, that's why we crave long term, monogamous relationships. But love can come before you fully know someone. Love is about not understanding someone but trying to understand anyway. It is about being considerate of another person, compassionate of their needs and supportive of their desires. Love is the unwritten agreement that you are going to try and be there for someone, no matter what. I have never felt that from the people I call my parents. But maybe my lack of feeling loved has skewed my understanding of it.
Relationships never work for me either. My boyfriend says I'll never be happy with him. He makes me think that maybe I won't. I think I could be, and I think for the most part I currently am. But I have always expected people to have the same understanding of love that I do, when they don't behave lovingly, by my definition, I doubt their intentions. More so when they cannot see it themselves. I know love doesn't just happen, like a living thing it has to be reared and looked after, and if it's neglected it will eventually die. I believe we're still at nurturing stage, trying to negotiate the rules, going through teething. I don't know how he doesn't see that.
I just wish people were more thoughtful.
I wish that my dad would not ask me if I eat smoked salmon after 13.5 years of me being a vegetarian/vegan.
I don't think I ask for too much.
