The Night Circus - Erin Morgenstern

I finished reading this book just a few hours ago, and I'm so sad that it's over. I already want to read it again. It was amazing. Extravagant, magical, fervent in detail. It appeals to all the senses and encompasses you in the maze of convoluting stories. It may have been due to the pace at which I read it but it also seemed to speed up drastically in the last third, where the earlier of two timelines started to catch up with the second. And right near the end it flickers between them, both within just hours of eachother, giving a prolonged build up of suspense whilst still keeping a grippingly fast pace.

The language is rich and handled expertly. The characters vivid and all distinguishable in their own way. The story is heart-warming and beautiful, twisted and dark all at once. I'll admit I shed a couple of tears on the tube, but I'm a sensitive soul. I just want to reread it. But I've already said that.

Basically. Read it.

Off topic - My false sense of entitlement

It's pretty late, considering I have to be up at 6:30 for another 11.5 hour shift. I keep telling myself to think of the money... To be fair though, I don't know why I complain, I always seem to enjoy my shift when I'm working. I do get back with achy bits, but, by the time I've slept and gone back to work the next day it's like I can barely even feel it. It gets worse the more you think about it, but when you don't it's not so bad, and gotta think of all that well needed money...

But I am tired. And I am irritable. It's hard to tell if it's me being unreasonable or not when I snap at people... Shouldn't they be a little more understanding of what I'm going through? Considering they are seeing me live it. There are no shortages of reminders for the most prominent people in my life. I talk to my father and my boyfriend several times a day, they know what I'm doing, they know what I'm getting up to.

My agency are extremely unprofessional, that doesn't help my temper. My parents are, as always, insufferable. I sleep on a couch which I have to make and unmake every day. My father doesn't leave the room to let me sleep when I ask him to because he is too lazy and stubborn to even sort out an airbed I can use. There is still no room for any of my possessions, a month after moving in, they sit in bags in the middle of the living room floor. I have a room, with no bed, it doubles as a shed for unused bikes, a broken table and a large clothes rail full of never worn, never to be worn clothing belonging to my dad. This is after I have sifted through and removed drawers and wardrobes of his stuff. I just don't know if I'm being a spoilt brat or if my personal space and space for my belongings are things that I should be entitled to, but it was him who asked me to live her in the first place after all.

And that's a major issue for me now. I frequently think I must suffer from a false sense of entitlement. In many ways. I think I deserve better, I think other people should be better. I expect more. Almost always. And I will not settle for less. Is that me being spoilt? Is it me being unreasonable? Do I really set unrealistic boundaries? Or am I just too ambitious for the people around me?

I just don't know any more. I'm full of self doubt which is slowly eating away at my confidence. It's entirely down to perspective and I just don't know who's perspective I should gauge myself by. Am I so different from any other typical person? Am I not understanding enough of their problems? Do I not try and support them enough?

I think about the people who are 'supposed' to love me. They're the worst. I don't truly believe for one second they love me. How on Earth could they? They barely even know me. And that's entirely their fault. If you don't take it upon yourself to get to know the child you raised then that's your prerogative. But it's isn't only that. You can love someone who you don't fully know yet, I don't believe you can ever fully know someone anyway. It takes a lifetime, that's why we crave long term, monogamous relationships. But love can come before you fully know someone. Love is about not understanding someone but trying to understand anyway. It is about being considerate of another person, compassionate of their needs and supportive of their desires. Love is the unwritten agreement that you are going to try and be there for someone, no matter what. I have never felt that from the people I call my parents. But maybe my lack of feeling loved has skewed my understanding of it.

Relationships never work for me either. My boyfriend says I'll never be happy with him. He makes me think that maybe I won't. I think I could be, and I think for the most part I currently am. But I have always expected people to have the same understanding of love that I do, when they don't behave lovingly, by my definition, I doubt their intentions. More so when they cannot see it themselves. I know love doesn't just happen, like a living thing it has to be reared and looked after, and if it's neglected it will eventually die. I believe we're still at nurturing stage, trying to negotiate the rules, going through teething. I don't know how he doesn't see that.

I just wish people were more thoughtful.

I wish that my dad would not ask me if I eat smoked salmon after 13.5 years of me being a vegetarian/vegan.

I don't think I ask for too much.

EVERYONE LIKES TEDDIES!

Something that's bugging me recently but has always bugged me somewhat is societal gender roles and gender pigeon-holing. I'm going to try and not offend anyone in this post but if I do it's purely because I have a different understanding to you, I would love for you to talk to me in the comments and explain your perspective if you think I have said anything out of line here or I'm missing something fundamentally important!

So I'll start with asking; what does it mean to identify as male? What does it mean to identify as female? What does it mean to identify as having both genders or even no gender? Is it a sexual thing? Is it a societal thing? To me, identifying as any of these means absolutely nothing. To me the definitions are you are male if you have male anatomy and a female if you have female anatomy and if you're blessed with characteristics of both then you are intersex - but some people would define that as sex and not gender, to me gender does not exist, to me, the words are interchangeable. As far as I'm aware identity has no gender and gender has nothing to do identity.

But then maybe I'm confused on what identity is... What is identity? My identity is who I am. It is my personality, my morality, my ambitions and desires... it is everything that drives me to do what I do. Identity to me is not skin colour, hair colour, eye colour, sex, the shape of your nose or the height of your cheekbones. I'll use an analogy I read in an article about racism the other day, I think it can be applied in the same context here; identifying people based on their outer appearance is like organising books by the colour of their covers. Categorising books by red, blue, green etc. regardless of their content would inarguably be silly, so why is it that we insist on doing it with people?

Let's debunk this a little bit more... What has society taught us about gender?

Some of the characteristics associated with being masculine; physical strength, independence, ambition, dominance, protectiveness, high sexuality, tolerance of physical pain, emotional disconnect and an affinity to the colour blue.

Some of the characteristics associated with being feminine; compassion, humility, sexual elusion, generosity, servitude, physical delicacy, bashfulness and a love of the colour pink.

Now look at these characteristics and ignore the gender label assigned to them. If you only possess qualities from one of these classifications and brush the others off as having nothing to do with you then my personal opinion is that you can not possibly be a healthy or happy individual. I admit these are rather outdated views of gender roles, but to a high degree these are still brutally imposed upon us from a very young age.

I'll get a little more personal here, I have always said I didn't get on with girls as much as I got on with boys and I've never really thought about it, I always just felt like I had more male friends than female friends... But now that I think about it that's not strictly true, I've always had loads of female friends but I just always thought of females as having the above female characteristics and therefore automatically said I didn't have as many friends like that. If I were to count the number of male and female friends I have/I had I think I'd get quite even numbers.

I've never been much of a girly girl (I say as I'm sat here wearing a 'hot pink' bra which I bought because I loved the colour). I have two older brothers who I spent most of my childhood playing with, fighting with and generally getting into trouble with. Naturally their friends were my friends and vice versa, they went to all boys schools until they were 11/12, so all of their friends from school were guys and I went to all girls schools until I was 12/13 so all of my friends from school were girls. I guess I was outnumbered 2 to 1 so maybe I did have more male friends than female friends as a child but I don't remember hanging out with one gender more than the other...

As a kid some of the things I loved to do were climbing things, playing football and netball, wrestling/fighting, collecting bugs, playing with animals, dressing up in silly outfits, doing stupid things with my hair and speaking in funny accents, dancing, singing, shouting, skating, picking flowers, reading, maths, taking things apart, fixing things, making things, putting glitter on things, fluffy things, colouring (or just colour in general), watermelon, strawberries and mashed potato. Some of the things I hated were make-up, dresses, snails/slugs/anything slimey, ballet, small spiders, English, history, sour sweets, bananas, mushrooms and anything slow. (I really tried to rack my brain for stuff I disliked but I can't think of much...).

When I went to a co-ed secondary school I developed new interests and dropped others, some of the things I'd previously hated I'd learned to love, but this is something I think of as a product of growing up, meeting new people and learning new things, not of my male-to-female friend ratio. I continued to make new friends based on common interests, not on our common gender.

I think I'm quite lucky that my parents allowed me to behave like a kid instead of making me behave "as a girl". I hated make-up, as I said before, not because it was girly, but because it felt weird, took too long to apply and meant I had to be careful not to smudge it. I hated dresses because they restricted my freedom, they got caught on bushes and trees and I didn't have any pockets. I chose my clothes because of comfort and practicality, not clothes that were designed to teach me what a woman should look like to attract the opposite gender. Similarly I chose to play with toys that were fun and interesting and not toys that were designed to teach me to like what was considered feminine.

As children we don't have different body shapes, so why are there two sections for boys and girls clothing, children shouldn't be make to feel guilty for wearing what they want to wear, they're children, who are they trying to impress?! How many young boys are put off participating in dance because a leotard is considered a female clothes item?! Even more ridiculous are gender specific toys! Why should children continuously be made to feel guilty for their interests?! Where's the sense in that? EVERYONE LIKES TEDDIES!! It's these societal pressures which feed into the disparity of sexes in certain career paths. On one side of the toy shop you find the toys which encourage looking after babies and animals or hair dressing and beauty. On the other side of the shop are the toys for construction, science kits, the army and space. If we stopped telling kids that certain toys were for certain genders do you not think there would be a shift in these gender dominated roles?

We have such an ingrained idea of how men/women should be that it affects our judgement of people, and I know I'm not alone in this. I'll use my example earlier where I stated that I've always said I get on with guys more than girls. It's not strictly true, as I said before, I have a lot of friends of both genders and also a few in between, but when I meet a girl for the first time I automatically think I will not get on with her because I associate the above "feminine" characteristics with her. Due to my somewhat negative perception of women any woman I meet has to try harder to gain my trust. It's not something I've consciously done, it's just something that's been ingrained...

So what I'd like to end on goes back to my original remark that gender does not exist. Everyone has the sex organs they are born with and these determine their sex. A person's sex does not and should not be perceived to define anything more than that.

The power and the glory.

It's been a long, LONG time since I posted anything. I started writing a post about an artist called Erik Ravelo - particularly his series Los Intocables (the untouchables) - I was interrupted by my friend, no names mentioned (you arse!) but yeah I won't write about it now, the moment has passed, however I do suggest checking it out.

Today I just wana post some beautiful women. Enjoy.